The Bucket List

June 2008.....We had missed seeing my Dad on Father's Day because we went to Fillmore for some 4-wheeling with friends. I had spent most every Father's Day at the Ranch so I told myself, no big deal. The weekend after Father's Day we went to the ranch to see him. The Cargeeg's went to the ranch with us. This is the weekend that when I saw my dad & after talking to him for a bit I KNEW something was wrong. I don't know how to explain it but deep down I just knew.....it scared me & I even told Derek I KNEW there was something seriously wrong. I hadn't seen him since Memorial Day weekend & he looked like he had aged 20+ years in a matter of weeks. I remember him telling me he hadn't ridden his horse because his back was bothering him & he was afraid that if Trigger spooked & he were thrown he may not be able to get back up. He didn't dare go out on a ride alone. This was NOT normal. My Dad was a cowboy & cowboys ride their damn horses! He also asked me if Derek would run the weed eater because his arms hurt & then would go numb & he couldn't hold on to it. This WAS NOT NORMAL!

Before "they" told him he had cancer somehow I knew I had missed spending my Dad's last Father's Day with him. I KNEW I wouldn't get to spend Christmas with him. Honestly, I KNEW he wouldn't get to watch Tad play football that upcoming season. WHY? HOW? I have no idea. I hoped he would be here to see the twins birthday. Maybe that is WHY I cried harder in the beginning BEFORE "WE" knew.....because, "I" KNEW. I tell Derek, "I KNOW THESE THINGS." I don't know how or why but I do. I did not want to be right. He said to me, maybe you are wrong. Turns out, I was right. Sometimes it is not good to be right.

Anyway, that Saturday night at the Ranch my Dad asked me if I wanted to come in & watch The Bucket List with him. I didn't know what the movie was about & I certainly didn't know my dad would be diagnosed with terminal cancer approximately 2 weeks later. I declined the offer telling him that I better go out to the fire & entertain our company & supervise the kids. Mom had given him the movie for Father's Day....she gave Derek one too so I figured I would watch it later. This is a decision I truly regret. Come to think of it, I don't think my Dad ever asked me to watch a movie with him before (or after) that night.

Since that weekend in 2008 I have heard a little bit about what the movie was about & didn't think I could get through it. I didn't want to. I wished I would have taken my dad up on the invite. That alone made it so I didn't want to watch it, thinking the whole time....should have watched this with him.

But 2 years & 1 day later.....on the plane coming home from Florida I popped it in. I figured with distractions & being in a public place I wouldn't cry. We have been vacationing a lot & I have been watching dvd's that we own but I have not seen yet. I don't get to watch much tv while at home. This one is one of the last that remain in the "need to watch" pile. It wasn't quite over when I had to turn it off so the plane could land. I finished it at home Saturday afternoon. When the song came on at the end when the credits rolled my heart stopped. I had played that song on my ipod for my dad....he just cried. I think now I know why. I am pretty sure I wrote a post on here at some point about that song & it was the first one on my playlist. I do feel a tiny bit better about not begging him to go through with chemo. Like Edward Cole he did not want to be paralyzed. I can't blame anyone for that. Watching them pat down their faces from the sweat in the movie.....my dad did that. It is the cancer that does that to people. Cancer is a horrible thing. Hate is a strong word & I hate cancer. Obviously, I have never had it but I have seen what it does & I hate it. Just like drugs....seen that to. If there is a Devil, then he must have made cancer because it is Evil in every way. The evil spreads so fast it is shocking even for those with it. It is a horrible way to die. I guess in that case, if there is a God, he is death, in my opinion, because after cancer, I think of death as the reward. After witnessing death both ways....knowing you will die & having it come as a shock.....I know that I am one of the 96%.....I also thought for a long time I was one of the 4%.....but that changed the day my dad got cancer.

I truly believe things happen for a reason. I needed to watch that movie. The way they analyze death in general.....I loved it. Buried or cremated?? What if I feel the flame? Claustrophobia? I had to laugh. I feel the same way about a lot of what the movie portrayed.....like Edward, if I'm wrong, I win. If you have seen it you know what I mean. If you haven't, I suggest you do. Right now, why not?

I still have so many WHY's?? I have not reached the 5th stage....Acceptance.....but I guess it will all fall into place in the end. Life is a luxury not a guarantee & time is both our friend & an enemy. When it comes to cancer odds are that "we" will get it. So, I plan on it & if I am wrong, I win....just like in the movie. I think that is a better take than being right & losing.

I do know that as hard as it was to be the one there with him, my dad did not die alone, his eyes were closed & his heart was open. We should all want this, I do.